Gereja - untuk Pergi atau untuk tidak Pergi, ini Sebab Saya

Ketika saya muda belia saya dulu biasa percaya pada Tuhan sebanyak karena saya pergi ke gereja secara teratur sebagai untuk sebab lain yang mana pun. Ibu mengambil saya dan saudara kandung saya sampai servis setiap Minggu. Saya menghadiri bukan hanya Minggu sekolah sebagai preschooler tetapi kelas katekismus sampai ke dalam umur belasan tahun saya. Saya sudah dibaptiskan, tentu saja, dan juga sudah diterima Penegasan upacara. Bagi sekolah tengah dan tahun sekolah tinggi saya, saya menghadiri pencalonan sekolah swasta oleh biarawati. Saya terus menghadiri massa Minggu selama perguruan saya tahun-tahun dan sesudah menjadi sudah menikah, tetapi begitu saya mulai mempunyai anak saya tidak dapat untuk menghadiri seteratur. Saya pergi kalau dapat, membawa keturunan saya serta saya.

Saya tidak lagi menghadiri gereja, atau mempunyai saya dilakukan oleh sebab itu selama sebagian besar dasawarsa terakhir. Saya tidak meramalkan mengubah kelakuan ini di masa mendatang, juga tidak. Apa berganti? Mengapa saya membatalkan kebiasaan tiga puluh tahun ini?
Saya berubah. Pada umur sebanyak tiga puluh, saya menjadi statistik perceraian lain dan sudah adalah satu ibu sejak. Waktu dan tenaga menjadi bahwa lebih banyak lagi menyerap dengan memilihara empat orang anak saya. Saya bisa membantu kami sampai servis naik hanya dasar yang paling sporadis sebelum perceraian, tetapi sebagai sumber penghasilan saya menjadi semakin kehadiran terbatas yang diteteskan sampai hampir nol. Dan semakin banyak daripada itu, saya mempertanyakan hampir segalanya yang pernah saya percaya mengenai Tuhan, gereja dan tempat saya dalam alam semesta.

Selama periode mendalam ini, saya dan anak saya berkunjung jiwa counselors, menyangga kelompok-kelompok dan ahli terapi-ahli terapi lain atas dasar biasa selama beberapa tahun sampai pertolongan kami menanggulangi tekanan situasi kami. Menyelidiki masa lalu saya, saya belajar bagaimana peristiwa dari inisiatif masa kecil saya sampai keputusan yang sudah saya buat sebagai orang dewasa dan akibat pada akhirnya mereka. Saya belajar bahwa suatu apa yang sudah saya percaya sudah membawa saya sampai situasi sekarang saya. Kepercayaan saya digoyahkan, tetapi itu hanya memaksa saya berpegang padanya bahwa banyak lebih ketat. Kepercayaan saya masih lifeline ke yang saya adalah servis keseluruhan tetapi menghadiri pasti jatuh di samping tepi jalan. Goncangan baik tidak bermaksud kehilangan saya betul-betul, meskipun.
Saya menyadari kesalahan yang sudah salah oleh saya dan mengapa saya sudah menjadi mereka dan sekarang berusaha mendapatkan belajar bagaimana caranya untuk membuat pilihan yang lebih baik selama masa depan. Saya perlu mempelajari interpretasi baru pelajaran tua tertentu sebaik sebagai mendapat pelajaran gres. Mengajar trik baru, tetapi, kepada seekor anjing tua bisa mengambil lebih panjang daripada kalau kami muda dan lebih fleksibel. Saya masih tersandung. Saya sudah mendapat pelajaran dari kesalahan tua, tetapi sekarang membuat yang baru sama sekali.

Setahun sesudah pemisahan, kami menjadi tunawisma. Sedangkan tinggal di perumahan peralihan, saya menjadi betul-betul marah ke Tuhan. Bagaimana berani menghadapi seluruh kerja dan pengorbanan sukar saya datang ke tidak ada? Bagaimana Tuhan bisa membiarkan ini terjadi? Tidak kepada saya, tetapi kepada anak saya. Lakukan apa yang anda inginkan kepada saya, tetapi tidak kepada bayi berharga saya. Saya tidak pernah kehilangan kepercayaan bahwa Tuhan di sana, tetapi kata saya tersendat-sendat di kepercayaan saya bahwa apa keluarga saya pergi lewat entah bagaimana untuk yang terbaik. Kami sudah lewat waktu sukar terlebih dahulu, tetapi ini adalah serendah rendahnya saya. Saya putus asa. Saya marah-marah. Saya bimbang.

And then we found a new home. There was a church of my denomination only a few blocks away and I began taking my children to services again. Our attendance was still sporadic, but the effort was made. After awhile, though, I began to look elsewhere. Nice as this particular community was, I didn't feel like I or my brood fit in. On a couple of visits with my parents during this time, I attended the same church that I had gone to for most of my upbringing. This no longer felt right, either. Among many revelations, my perception of the church had changed right along with how I saw myself. Like an outfit we loved as a child but have since outgrown, church as I knew it no longer fit'. At least, not the type I'd always known.

I began exploring other faiths and attending other denominations. I began to educate myself in eastern as well as western belief systems by looking into Hinduism, Shintoism and Buddhism as well as Baptist and Anglicanism, among other mainstream religions. I've researched primitive cultures and other lesser known beliefs, too, as well as more modern cults. I have discovered how much more is out there and I understand much of what each has to offer in my own way.

I suppose I qualify now as a Universal Unitarian if I were to be placed into a category, but while I have attended a few of those services as well, I find that it does not completely fit for me, either. In some ways, despite the broadening of my horizons, UU's slant is almost too wide for my taste. There are plenty of faiths and tenets out there that I am more than willing to embrace or at least tolerate, but there are others that I simply don't feel comfortable with giving more than the most casual nod. In exploring so many options, however, I have finally gained a clearer understanding of where I stand and what I do believe.

Even during the darkest periods in my life it has always been a foregone conclusion for me that God exists. When young, most of the grownups around me said He was there and then they provided examples of His work. In every flower and every leaf, in every human life and all the animals on earth, in everything I could observe and the miracle of its very existence, God is there. As I grew older, I found new wonders and my faith grew. And as that faith grew, it evolved. In fact, I've come to the realization that those difficult years were indeed for the best because I have gained so many new perspectives on old wisdom as well as gaining new information. That would not have happened if I had not questioned everything due to my circumstances and then gone out seeking answers.

I still believe that God is everywhere and in everything. We are all connected. Yet at the same time we are individuals and are given opportunities about which we must make decisions. One of the most difficult things I had to learn during therapy was how to take responsibility for certain choices I had made. These were options taken that at the time did not feel like options at all. Given certain choices to live over again, I may still have made certain ones again, but there are others that I would definitely do differently. Going forward now, as life throws new decisions my way, I feel I have a better idea of what sort of choices can be made to improve things in the long run. I'm still going to make new mistakes and I'm still going to stumble, but that's okay. Mistakes are how we learn.

I continue to expand my horizons to this day. My personal definition of what God is changes to some degree with each new piece of information gathered, but it does exist. I have yet to find a new church community that fits, though. Add to this the fact that I am still the single mother of four and even though two of my children have moved out from under my roof, I still have regular contact with them and offer support on occasion as they struggle with their own choices and mistakes as well as dealing with the curve balls that life can throw at any of us at any time. These precious people are always going to be the core of my personal congregation and I would not change that for anything.

I still have limited resources. From the amount of energy I have physically available due to age and health concerns, to the cost of the fuel it would take to drive on a Sunday, to the fact that I still have not found a church community that calls to me, attending formal religious services is simply not high on my list of priorities. Time off from my forty hour a week job is spent caring for my offspring and pets, keeping up with household chores, running errands and occasionally spending time with other family and friends. And on either Saturday or Sunday of each weekend, depending on what other scheduled or unscheduled events may demand my attention, I rest. I go nowhere. I sleep in and then I play.

This, too, is a kind of worship for me. I bask in a life that has changed for the better and I offer my own kind of thankfulness for it. Along with that, I do what I can to practice random acts of kindness throughout any given day. The world is my church and I offer my praise daily in whatever small ways I can. Attending a regular ceremony once a week is helpful for reinforcing certain lessons and thoughts, but those instructions must be carried out the rest of the time or they mean nothing. I carry with me all those sermons and other hours spent attending mass from earlier in my life like an ever-full cache to get me through the rougher times and as a foundation for where I am now. Meanwhile I remind myself often, several times a day in fact, of where I've been and where I want to go with my life and what sort of person I want to be.

Attending services again at some future point is not outside the realm of possibilities. I do what I can to keep an open mind to anything that might improve my lot in life or that of someone else. But in the meantime, I will continue to spend much of each day in a state of prayer. The entire planet is my church and every person who lives upon it is a member of my assemblage. There simply isn't a building big enough to hold them all.